Stories by Lula

This was not what I had planned for tonight; I planned to get drunk and tolerate the damn Ministry Fifth Anniversary Celebration of the fall of Riddle.

Well, I am drunk, but I'm not at the Ministry party at the newly-renovated, Ministry-owned manor formerly known as Malfoy manor. No, I'm sitting in a tiny pub in a bad part of London with Minerva in cat form on the stool to my right and Filius on the stool to my left. If the pub owner and his other patrons are at all concerned about a hideously ugly man dressed in long black robes having a pint with a dwarf and a tabby, they haven't said. Of course, Filius does have a way with special "charms." Although, he hasn't managed to charm away the cost of our rounds.

Minerva's cat tongue laps delicately at the whisky in the glass before her, and I can see her shake with laughter as Filius talks about the day Umbridge was run out of Hogwarts via a Weasley twins' fireworks display. I missed that, sadly.

"You know," I whisper confidentially, "I missed that."

"Did you?" Filius adjusts his glasses with pudgy fingers. "That's not right. It was brilliant! Here, I'll sh-sh-show you." And with a shaky wave of his wand, a red something-or-other bursts out and falls into glittery pieces on the floor. He snaps the wand in the air, and a pink petunia dances forth and turns into a naked woman before it, too, dissolves. "Damn. Damn, damn, damn," he mutters.

"Maybe you've had too much to drink," I tell him.

Minerva bounces onto my shoulder and sneezes, and a red lizard shoots forth, whipping around the legs of the other patrons in a fiery streak before diving for the ceiling and exploding in sparks. We three cheer, and Filius falls off his stool.

We don't notice that the pub has gone quite silent, the only sound our muffled snorts and giggles as we right ourselves. It is then that terror strikes.

"I cannot BELIEVE my eyes."

We look up in dismay.

"Oh, fuck," Filius mumbles. "It's the party police."

Straightening myself imperiously with Minerva tucked beneath one arm, I say, "Auror Graaanger. What business do you have here?"

"Four rules regarding Muggle-Magic Interface have been broken," she says, rudely flourishing four fingers in front of my face. Then into the tip of her wand, she says, "The Green Acorn. London. Immediate containment crew." She points the wand at us. "You three are coming with me. Bunch of... hooligans!"

Minerva drops to the floor and haughtily walks out. I follow, with Filius hanging onto my robes to steady himself. If he trips me, I will hex him into normal height.

Outside the pub, Granger sheperds us like the nippy border collie she is straight into an alley.

"Hold hands," she commands. "Now!"

Filius picks up Minerva, I struggle to pick up Filius, and with a disgusted sigh, Granger grabs hold of my arm.

"I do say, Granger, that's a bit familiar."

"I'll show you 'familiar,'" she says. "Shut up."

And the incredibly bizarre sensation of four-way Apparition whirls us into the cosmos.

* * *

And straight into my living room.

I have to endure a lecture that even impresses Minerva, and Filius manages to break and badly Reparo a favorite picture frame, but it's worth it.

My wife feeds us sandwiches and pickles and crisps and lets us drink more whisky and beer. She can come across a bit harsh at times, but underneath, she's very soft-hearted. One shouldn't judge by appearances.

When I wake in the morning, one leg on the floor and the rest of me, thankfully, on the sofa, I've got Hermione's head on my chest and the rest of her, thankfully, warmly pressed against me. Minerva is curled up with Filius in the big armchair, and the entire room is stuffy with the odor of stale booze. But I won't move yet. This is a glorious morning, after all.

"Idiot," she mumbles sleepily, "You were supposed to be at the Ministry function."

"I wanted to be with my friends," I say quietly.

She opens her eyes and looks up, and for a moment, I think she is going to cry. Then she wipes a hand over her eyes and smiles. "I guess it's all right then." She kisses my jaw and settles back in.

Things aren't going too badly for me these days.